I had to go downstairs to the basement before to get some milk, and it was really weird because my brother wasn’t there. There’s cardboard boxes on his bed and on the floor, and the “play-room” closet door was hanging open. I don’t know if I’m ever going to have to stop at the top of the steps to ask if I could come down; I’ll just be able to go. His apartment is really close by, but it’s still really strange. There are times when I hate getting older and it’s for reasons like the fact that I have to do schoolwork, but then when things are actually shifting I really hate it and it’s as if there is this ginormous pressure pressing into me. Just like when Lucas moved out because he got married, Chris’s room will be turned into something else again. His old room upstairs was turned into a hang out room and a place to store all of my books. It makes me sad that him and my parents aren’t on the best of terms. And it’s annoying because each of them feels as though they’re right.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”—The Perks of Being a Wallflower